Citrus season is, roughly, December to March. When the days are just starting to get longer and maybe you see some warmer days in March than you’ve seen since October. And you’re probably tired - so, so tired - of the cold and the snow (if you live in the same part of the world as I do) and the grey skies.
In my little, ‘Hi, I’m back!’ post that I wrote last week, I mentioned that I started taking Lexapro. I think I had become so comfortable with my sadness that I couldn’t imagine a different way to be. Someone that I love very much told me that I could be too negative. She told me because she loves me and I’m sure it’s hard to see a friend be sad, all the time, not to mention how draining it must have been to be on the receiving end of that. I didn’t take it well - I was hurt, even if I knew that wasn’t her intention. I have a fear that I am too much for people to love - too sad, too loud, too negative. I was afraid that this was the beginning of her deciding that I was too much, even for her.
And because I love her, and I know she loves me, I took what she said seriously, even if I reacted poorly. I decided that I didn’t want to live like this forever, because I hadn’t always been like this, and wasn’t my former self a lot more fun? (Hint: she was) So I spoke to my doctor and we decided to try out Lexapro. I knew I would need to be patient for it to work, and I was hoping that it would relieve at least some of the pain. How do you describe feeling like you’re coming back alive after almost 4 years? Because that’s what it was.
Suddenly I am not overwhelmed all of the time and I am not paralyzed with indecision multiple times a day and I am not fighting to be pleasant, I’m actually just naturally pleasant? And I am thinking of a future and dreaming of a life that feels like it can actually happen instead of feeling like I am thinking about a future for someone else.
Citrus is the bright spot in the winter - it brings levity. Desserts with lemon are delightful and grapefruits on Christmas are magic. As I have been coming out of the fog I couldn’t see through, I’ve found myself clinging moreso to cooking and baking with citrus because it feels like a reflection of being hopeful, emotionally. Hopeful for longer days and the sun to shine. I’m so grateful for my friend - I don’t know that I would have decided to look for change myself without her stepping in. I’m glad she was brave enough to say it and loved me enough to know I needed to hear it.
I made Claire Saffitz’s Lime Squiggles, but subbed the lime for lemon. You can find her recipe and how-to video here. They’re light and not too sweet but sweet enough to scratch the itch. An added bonus is that they look like you spent a lot of time making them intricate and beautiful when, in fact, you spent exactly (1) hour making a double batch.
So anyway. If you made it this far, thanks for reading these strung-along thoughts. In my head the connection to the way citrus feels in the winter and renewed hope was a straight line but as soon as I sat down to write about it I couldn’t rub two thoughts together.
I hope you are finding renewed hope this time of year - whether in Lexapro or citrus or the sun finally shining. I’ll be here, baking.
I am so glad you are feeling better. Citrus as hope during the long winter is a beautiful image.
What a beautiful reflection. I'm so glad you're feeling better, Shelby!